Lord of the Rings, Vampires, Whales and the Azores

Vampires, aliens, elves, robots, borrowers, timelords, supermen, werewolves, hobbits, angels. I'll stop there but the list could go on and on. Why do so many books and films hinge on the idea of people meeting, communicating, interacting, and fighting with other, intelligent species?

From the very first fairy stories I read, with wolves and witches, to my obsession with the Lord of the Rings, they seem to have been in more of my books than not. My personal favourites are probably the elves in the Lord of the Rings, and in the wider mythology that Tolkien created. Cross-species romance is incredibly popular at the moment. It doubles the drama of a regular relationship, without limiting the amazing attractiveness of everyone concerned. Mostly the drama is 'I really want my boyfriend to bite me, so I live forever as well.' Tolkien's version was gentler, though. In his stories of elves and men that loved one another, the elves choose mortality, and their family are always stricken. This tragedy was memorably played out by Liv Tyler in the movies. You can see a little bit of it HERE.

It seems like we're desperate for somebody else to talk to. It's almost as if we're bored with people, all the same old problems and abilities. And what problems the other might have... They shine in the sun, they're two feet tall, they're practically slaves. As for their abilities, I think everything, ever, imaginable has been covered.

People who've been reading will know what I'm going to say.

We don't need to make them up. They all ready exist. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you...



...the cachalot, or sperm whale. Biggest brain in the world, largest carnivore to ever exist, it hunts for giant squid with sonar. It's clicks mean it can see in 3D, in the dark. It explores a black, empty world, far from the surface, where we can't go.
It's quite possible they're incredibly intelligent. We don't really know, we know very little about them. One scientist said sitting in boats and trying to understand whales from what we see is like sitting underwater in a drinking hole and trying to understand elephants from their feet and trunks splashing about. Far from falling in love with them, our main interaction with them has been to slaughter them in gigantic numbers and melt down their fat to oil our watches.
Yet they survive. The best place to see these amazing animals is the Azores, in the Atlantic, off Portugal. I went there, to Horta on Faial island. It's a small harbour town, like something out of Pirates of the Caribean, with the most beautiful view, I think, in the world.

The island of Pico across the straits. I went out in a whale watching boat, saw Sei whales and millions of amazing dolphins, but no cachalots. I was disappointed, but not too much because it means I have to go back. In the meantime, of course, I'll read books about vampires and watch films about the apes that did for mankind. Kinds sorta the same thing. Maybe.

Kate Middleton was picked on, living in hotels, and Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy

It's like living in a hotel with all your friends. Without your parents, but possibly with loads of magic furniture, secret passages and midnight feasts. No wonder boarding schools are a complete fixture of young adults books and children's stories. From Enid Blyton, through Harry Potter, to Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy.

This last is a great read. It starts slow, and is weirdly like the second in a series, with loads of flashbacks and explaining what has just happened to get our heroes in their current, very dodgy situation. In the middle it sags a bit, there's a lot of explaining how vampire school works, and messing around with red herrings and clues to the twists and turns and smashes and bangs that come at the end. Because of this the third act works very well, and also hooks the reader right in for the sequel.

In all fairness though, boarding school can be scary. Your parents aren't there to take care of you, and there's nowhere you can hide, as shown in the clip above. Mead's boarding school often has more in common with Kate Middleton being (possibly) picked on. There's lots of being ostracized and kept to your room. There are no midnight feasts, though some midnight boozing that I don't think they went in for at St Claire's... The lack of secret passages, given that the school has hundreds of years of vampire history is a serious lack, only just made up for by using fires in the bathroom to distract teachers and sneak into each others dorms. That old trick.

Children's stories are full of plots that allow kids to run their own lives without adults seeming to interfere. In fiction they go on for months, gigantifying the fun that real life kids get from a few hours of freedom. I remember the first time I went away on a school trip, staying in a hostel in London. We stayed up all night eating chocolate digestives and sneaking in and out of each others rooms. It was spectacular. Exhausting and excellent. If Kate Middleton had that kind of fun once a term, then it might have been worth the being picked on. And that's before considering that boarding school was the first step on the road to Buckingham Palace.

I doubt we've seen the last of the boarding school story, if for no other reason than I'm writing one...

Teenage Losers, Vampires, Nigella Lawson, and Amanda Hocking's 'My Blood Approves.'

In 'My Blood Approves,' seventeen year old Alice Bonham falls in with a family of vampires. The first half of the book is mainly about when is she going to realise they're vampires, and then it's all about which of them will she devote herself to, and how will a possible vampire life conflict with her human life and her family.

The plot is neatly built up, and you want to know what happens next. The book's great strength, I think, is the authenticity of the teenage voice. The moods, the turns of phrase and the pop culture seem to me to be absolutely dead on.

The thing that bugs me about this is the thing that bugs me about other vampire stories: Why are teenage vampires so amazing? Why are they always beautiful, cool, smart, fearless, and supremely athletic. And I reckon it's some kind of wish fulfillment. As a teenager, school can be a complete jungle and I think writers get a lot of success with vampires, because they've invented the 'Superteenager.' Readers visualise these beings and think 'if only that was me, if only somebody bit me and I became a hero.' Vampires even have the 'not bothered' quality that teens admire. They're amazing, but they don't even care. Edward Cullen and his family are prime examples. I suppose stories with amazing teenage vampires are the ones that sell, but I'm still looking for the story with the vampire who never gets asked to the prom, or gets his lunch money stolen.

This is because teenage readers are continually being let down. It's not possible to be a school prince or princess by being a vampire. The message I wish writers would give them is one I got from Nigella Lawson. 'It's not possible to be a 'superteenager' but don't worry. You'll get through it, and then you'll be brilliant.

I was terrible at being a teenager. I didn't get any of it. I always looked two years younger than I was, I was scared of the opposite sex, I liked answering questions in class, I didn't know what was fashionable, I wasn't interested in music or other teenager interests, I had a stupid haircut... (I could go on). And for years afterwards, as I learned how to make life work, I was regretful that I had messed up my schooldays. And then Nigella spoke to me. Or rather, I read a quote of hers in a newspaper article, where she described herself as something like 'not very good at being a schoolgirl' (I can't remember her exact words, if you track it down please let me know). And that was actually no big deal, she was much better at being older. My proof is the video above. Look at her. She is a marvel of decadent food and downright sauciness. The ten seconds of Wham is just a bonus...

So there it is, my message to Alice Bonham and all the teenage losers out there, courtesy of Nigella Lawson: You don't survive teenage years by becoming a vampire. You do it by just waiting. I know it seems like forever, but in fact it's not that long and you get far more mileage out of being a Superadult than a Superteenager. Pass it on.